decadence

gift shopping for my father, the man who has everything, has taught me that i can enter a chocolatier's without spontaneously combusting, and they won't even bar me from the shop for being too ugly for the fancy luxurious environment. also, actual chocolatier chocolates are pretty dang good.

today i spent an embarrassing sum of money on a box of chocolates for myself. the main reason for this is that i should probably enjoy having money to spend while i still can. because in a few months, i'll graduate and won't get student loans anymore. i'll be stuck with a massive debt, no skills or work experience, and a few bad habits. i'll be forever unemployed and then i'll wish i enjoyed my student years more while they lasted.

but that doesn't mean i don't feel incredibly guilty for wasting money on luxuries and other frivolous things.

default language

in a discussion about native languages, the professor asked my class, "what language do you use for taking notes? a shopping list, for example?" and obviously the logical answer would be your native language. but... of course i'm weird about it.

the language i default to, that i automatically use without thinking, is English (probably not my native language). but a lot of the time i write down random notes in French (definitely not my native language) just because. my shopping lists are mostly in French (in part because i usually use French recipes) with a few items in humorously misspelled English, one thing that i always write in Russian (very much not my native language) and one thing i usually write in Chinese (extremely not my native language).

if i use Finnish (one of my native languages), it's because i feel the need to practice. i hardly ever use Dutch (my other native language) at all.

offer

it's not such a terrible thing if life has nothing left to offer me. i can resign myself to that, i can deal with it. the thing that makes me despair is that i have nothing to offer to the world and to the ones i care about, and probably never will.